• Motivation is when our dreams put on work clothes.
  • When I was a kid, I used to pray every night and day for a shiny new bicycle. Then I realized god doesn't work that way, so I went out and stole a bike and begged for forgiveness.
  • Money solves 90 percent of lifes problems, I haven't had any problems with the other ten percent.
  • Age is simply a case of mind over matter, If you don't mind,it doesn't matter.
  • Don't expect much and you will be happier.
  • A cannibel walked into a restaurant the other day and ordered the waiter.
  • What is another name for a polynesian prostitute? A hula ho.
  • You cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that was used when you created them.
  • What goes peck peck BANG ! A chicken in a mine field.
  • Before you try keeping up with the jones, be sure they,re not trying to keep up with you.
  • If life was fair,Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
  • The other day it was so cold, I saw a politcian with his hand in his own pocket.
  • Isn't it queer, one thing about beer you don't really buy it you rent it.
  • You can't win if you don't play.
  • Women can't keep their mouth shut, thats right, even my blow up doll can't shut her mouth.
  • How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? who says it dark?
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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